New Twitter Elevators Provide Exclusive Luxury Elevator Service in all SF City and County Buildings
In an effort to further enhance the quality of life for all San Francisco residents affiliated with major tech corporations, the city has given the green light to the Twitter Corporation to build high-speed Twitter Elevators, or “Twittevators” as they will be called, in all city buildings and facilities. In addition to travelling at a speed 700 times faster than Public Elevators, the Twittevators will include gorgeous panoramic views of the city, sushi and wine bars, on demand HD youtube videos, and free wifi.
Twittevators will connect Twitter employees directly to exclusive Twitter-only express lines so our most esteemed San Francisco residents can more quickly pay parking tickets, apply for construction permits, and access the full range of other city services without waiting in long Public Lines. Only Twitter employees with identification will be able to access the Twittevators.
The massive amount of electricity required to sustain the Twittevators will require a twice daily 90-minute shut-down of all Public Elevators.
“This is a small price to pay to help make our beloved tech employees' lives just a little bit easier”, promised Mayor Ed Lee. “If we don’t shelter them from the harsh reality of our low-tech elevators and long lines, we run the risk of losing Twitter to another city.”
In related news, Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) will begin construction next month on a Google Express Line that will run directly from the Mission District in San Francisco to Google headquarters in Mountain View. All BART fares are expected to triple and BART is considering shutting down the Richmond line entirely because it has been determined that a total of two Google employees live in Richmond. The designers both telecommute from Point Richmond and claim to have not yet had a chance to visit Richmond proper.
President Obama Calls Richard Carranza the “Best Looking School Superintendent in the Country”
Speaking at a fundraiser in a wealthy San Francisco suburb, President Obama praised the looks of SFUSD Superintendent Richard Carranza.
“You have to be careful to, first of all, say he is brilliant and he is dedicated and he is tough, and he is exactly what you’d want in anybody who is running a school district and making sure that every student is getting a quality education,” Obama said. “He also happens to be, by far, the best looking School Superintendent in the country.” "It’s true! C’mon," he added, to laughter from the crowd.
Superintendent Carranza, when asked about the comment, said “It’s undeniable that I am intimidatingly handsome but, honestly, I am sick and tired of people feeling entitled to comment on my looks. I would prefer to be judged, for once, on my professional contributions alone and I wish everyone just would leave my luxurious head of hair, my sparkling eyes, and my strong capable hands out of it.”
Efficiency Capsules replace Luxury Condos as the Next Big Development Trend in San Francisco
SF Developer Simon Snellgrove, after being forced by community pushback to abandon his 8 Washington Development initiative, is now promoting a new “Efficiency Capsule” development concept. The Efficiency Capsules, which would run anywhere from 800 to 22,000 units per building are a uniform 8 feet by 6 feet and would be made available to San Francisco residents for a reasonable $2,000 a month.
San Francisco Raises Executive Minimum Wage To $614.50/Hour*
The Board of Supervisors approved a bill yesterday to increase the executive minimum wage from $585.25 to $614.50 an hour. The move marks the first increase in the wage since 2010.
“This is great news for all San Francisco residents who work in the upper levels of commerce,” Thomas Bateman, Vice President of the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce remarked. “Almost a third of San Francisco’s hard-working executives toil at corporations day after day, yet still live below the luxury line. It was about time we gave a boost to the San Francisco white-collar worker.”
The wage was calculated to help executives meet the county standard-of-easy-living mark of $1.1 million a year. Bateman says that, although his goal is for the city to ultimately approve an executive minimum wage of $800 per hour, he was satisfied with what he characterized as a “stop-gap measure”.
“Many of the hundreds of San Franciscans overseeing the city’s tech companies, luxury hotels, and retailers can’t even afford a jet,” Bateman said. “It’s our long-term goal to ensure that no one who sees to it that others work hard for a living will have to go without the basic necessities of the good life.”
Under the new law, the executive-minimum salary will increase to more than $1.575 million a year, plus mandatory overtime for executives who work more than seven minutes after 5 p.m., on holidays, outside of their home offices, or from a limousine or non-chartered private aircraft. A separate section of the bill includes concessions for second- and third-housing credits, as well as single-player health-spa coverage. Top executives nationwide have repeatedly called for wage increases in recent years.
Some executives called for even more support, in the form of increased benefits and reimbursements.
"Well, it's a good start," said Jeff Klondike, Bebo Senior Vice-president of Acquisitions and Mergers. "But I still don't get a transportation allowance for my company-owned limo. And no one has addressed the fact that almost 8 percent of my income disappears after taxes."
*almost all content in this article was brazenly heisted from a hilarious, theft-worthy Onion article